← The Studious Boy and the Secret Account Girl
Volume 3
Chapter 40: Kariya Tsutomu Is at a Loss
Chapter 40: Kariya Tsutomu Is at a Loss
By the time he was old enough to remember, his father was already gone.
“Why is there no father in our house?”
It was only natural for a child to harbor such a question, and so he asked his mother without giving it much deeper thought. With tears gathering at the corners of her eyes, she answered Tsutomu’s question: “He died while working.” She never tried to brush off her son with lies or evasions on that point. Instead, she showed him many photographs and videos. In them were the figures of his mother and father, affectionate and close, in their bygone days.
☆
“Not remembering your father… weren’t you lonely?”
Tsutomu shook his head at Matsurika’s question.
“I never felt lonely. When someone was never there to begin with, it surprisingly doesn’t bother you.”
He knew he sounded heartless even by his own reckoning, but he couldn’t help giving a self-deprecating smile at this expected question. His mother had told him the truth while also, out of concern for her son’s heart, showing him plenty of “records of his father.” And yet… for all her efforts, none of it had pierced her son’s heart at all. Even Tsutomu, slow to grasp the subtleties of people’s hearts, could sense his mother’s consideration—so he never voiced his true feelings.
“She showed me so many photos and videos… but honestly, even when I was told the man in them was my father, it never really hit home.”
“…”
There was no clear image of a “father” inside Kariya Tsutomu. When he added that, Matsurika furrowed her brow and wore a complicated expression.
☆
He had grown up in a single-mother household. Their circumstances were by no means comfortable. To put it plainly, they had been somewhat poor.
His mother worked from early morning until late at night. A young woman alone had to raise a child into a proper adult. That toil defied the imagination. Looking back later, he would wonder why she hadn’t relied on her own family, but at the time, Tsutomu’s thoughts didn’t reach that far.
Left alone at home, Tsutomu sometimes felt the kind of loneliness a child naturally feels. It wasn’t that he didn’t remember his father—it was that his mother wasn’t by his side. At the same time, a feeling swelled up and grew inside him: he wanted to help his mother, who was working so hard for his sake. He did whatever he could. He took the lead in housework, doing the laundry, the cleaning, and everything else. With his mother’s permission, he even started making simple meals. While he was devotedly doing something, he could forget the loneliness—and when he thought of the smile his mother would wear when she came home exhausted… a little hardship was nothing at all.
Still, there was only so much a child of tender years could do. He was always thinking about whether there was some way to repay his mother, who worked herself to the bone. He learned that there were people who, from a young age, displayed their talent, stepped into the professional world, and earned large fortunes. “This is it,” he thought. Shogi, go, sports, entertainment—anything was fine. If he had even one talent, he could lighten his mother’s burden. Within his constrained circumstances, he tried as many things as he could. What he came to know as a result was the simple fact that he had no talent whatsoever.
There was no time to grieve. Was there nothing a useless person like him could do? No matter how much he agonized, he couldn’t find an answer. In the end, he decided to study. He didn’t remember what had triggered it. Study hard, go to a good school, enter a good company. Then earn a large salary and give his mother an easier life. That became the future Tsutomu aimed for.
☆
“So that’s why you’ve always worked so hard at your studies.”
“As I’ve told you before, it was because there was nothing else I could do.”
“No, no, I think Kariya-kun does way too much.”
“You do?”
“Yes. Coming home to find that your son had already taken care of the housework is more than enough. I’m sure your mother was absolutely delighted.”
☆
It had always been just mother and child. It could hardly have been called smooth sailing, but neither was it enough to blame God or fate. Then an event occurred that abruptly turned the rudder of Tsutomu’s life in an entirely unexpected direction—for reasons having nothing to do with his own will. There had been no sign of it. When he was in his second year of middle school, his mother, with a solemn face, suddenly told him:
“Mom is thinking of remarrying.”
He knew what the word remarriage meant. It meant that his mother, who had been without her husband for so long, was going to become the wife of a new man. Her tone was terribly apologetic, but he didn’t understand, in truth, why she was making such a face. She asked him whether he approved, but he had no intention of saying “no.” More than ten years had passed since his mother had been left alone. Even if she were to remain faithful to her late husband, it was more than enough, and he felt she had no need to defer to anyone—including himself. And so his mother remarried, and a new family was formed. The existence of a stepsister one year younger had been a surprise… but in any case, Kariya Tsutomu’s new life began just like that.
★
“Was your new stepfather a horrible person?”
Tsutomu shook his head at Matsurika’s question.
“Not at all. He’s a good man. Gentle and kind, and yet he scolds properly when scolding is called for. He’s a person with real depth, you could say.”
“Then why are you making that face?”
“What face?”
“Yes, that. You’ve gone very grim.”
At that, he took off his glasses and covered his face with his right hand. Indeed, he could feel his facial muscles tensing.
“You gained a good stepfather, and a stepsister. But it’s not a happily-ever-after story, is it? Kariya-kun seems to be holding something back.”
He felt she’d struck a sore spot. Matsurika was sharp, as always—not an opponent to be handled with a single trick. Well, she’d been staring at his face from close range, so there was probably no deceiving her anyway.
“I think he’s a good stepfather. A person of genuine character… and one blessed with financial fortune as well.”
With a sigh, he let out what had been festering in his chest. He was struck again by how mysterious the bonds between people truly were. How had that stepfather and his mother met and been joined together? They had explained it to him, but he hadn’t understood it at all.
His stepsister was also an impressive person, he thought. She hardly seemed younger than him. She, too, must have had her own bewilderment and dissatisfaction about her father’s remarriage. Even so, she actively worked to build a relationship with her new stepmother. Though he never showed it, he secretly admired his stepsister’s sociability and her mental toughness. …Well, setting aside the fact that she was impossibly naggy about everything.
His stepfather, his mother, and his stepsister. The new life with the new family seemed to be heading toward a bright future. Everyone except Tsutomu.
“The dream I had been aiming for was taken away. No one is at fault, so I can’t even complain.”
Making his mother happy had been the purpose of his life. He had believed that was his role. But—in reality, there was no problem at all even if Tsutomu never did it. It would take time for Tsutomu to become an adult, and even if he did, there was no guarantee he could make his mother happy. He should have been proud of his mother, who had found a new partner and grasped her own happiness. But he couldn’t be. A murky feeling churned in the depths of his heart. Who was at fault? What was at fault? If he had to name it, it was Tsutomu himself, clinging stubbornly to small things. He knew that very well without anyone needing to tell him.
“And then my mom said to me: ‘You don’t have to push yourself so hard. From now on, I want you to think freely about your future.’”
It was a shock to learn that she had thought he was pushing himself, and to be told something like that at this late stage only left him at a loss. He’d blustered that he was already living as he pleased, but he had no idea whether he’d managed to compose his face or his voice properly. One thing led to another, and before he knew it, Tsutomu alone had failed to fit into the new Kariya household. He acknowledged his stepfather for what he was, but he couldn’t shake the suffocating feeling lodged in his chest. So, when he entered high school, he left home. Perhaps his stepfather had seen through Tsutomu’s heart as well. Using the excuse of concern about a boy and girl of that age, unrelated by blood, living under one roof, he gladly prepared this apartment for Tsutomu. Though Tsutomu felt a bitter shame at being indebted to his stepfather yet again, it was also true that once he began living alone, those negative feelings eased a little.
“Well, my circumstances are about what you’d expect.”
Even after entering high school, the path forward remained unclear. Following the current he’d been carried by since childhood, he kept studying and had set his sights on university. At the same time, he’d started a part-time job outside of his studies—even though he had no financial need to. The fact that the food he’d happened to eat was delicious was one reason, but the bigger reason was that he wanted to start doing something different from what he’d always done.
“Is that all the reason there is for you to work?”
Matsurika’s question pierced deep into Tsutomu’s chest. He felt unable to escape her jet-black eyes. Tsutomu had no tendency to spend money freely. Matsurika, who had looked around the room, had noticed that as well. The remarriage had also solved the household’s money problems. As for university, there was no financial obstacle there either. And yet he was working a part-time job. It didn’t make sense.
Then, from Matsurika’s peach-colored lips, words continued in that vein.
“…After I graduate from high school, I’m planning to pay my stepfather back the rent for this place.”
“I think you shouldn’t do that.”
“Is that how it is?”
“That is how it is.”
Accepting goodwill with a straight face is itself a form of magnanimity. The other person wants to act like a parent, so Tsutomu should simply behave like a child. Worrying unnecessarily would only breed discord in the household. Or rather, it would be like picking a fight. Matsurika’s explanation was reasonable, and Tsutomu was made to see just how childish his resistance was. He had never consulted anyone before, so he hadn’t been able to see how it all looked from the outside.
—I’m glad I talked about it…
“The way I come across as harsh toward the teachers and other students is probably a kind of scapegoating too.”
The clashes with the student discipline teacher—the very thing that had started this relationship with Matsurika—were one example. He remembered being a more patient person before his mother remarried. Lately, whenever something got under his skin, he would lash out far more often. It might sound nice to say he had become able to express his feelings plainly… but he wasn’t sure it deserved to be called growth.
“Hey, Kariya-kun.”
Matsurika, who had been listening in silence, slowly opened her mouth. A quiet, composed—and yet anguished—voice struck Tsutomu’s ears.
“Don’t you think you should have a proper talk with your stepfather?”